Do you ever feel like you are at wit's end? That nothing will work no matter how hard you shout at the top of your lungs?

Well, apparently my shouting wasn't loud enough, because shit's still hitting the fan, and I struggle to find the state of grace I talked about in the last post.

It's funny. Sometimes I will be walking along, riding the bus, or climbing the stairs of my work, and I'll think, "Holy crap, what am I doing here? Am I actually doing something, or am I just here until somebody above decides to hit the big red button and take me on a roller-coaster ride to somewhere unknown?"

I had a horribly awkward moment on the phone at work today. We are profiling congregations to see how open they are to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people in their ministry. We do this so LGBT people who are looking for a church home can easily see, from our website, what each church does or does not do. Since LGBT people have been the church's number one shit target recently, and for a long time before that, they are understandably kind of hesitant to go to church even if that church is supposedly welcoming.

Right, I'm on a tangent. Well, fuck it. Tangents always go somewhere, don't they? Forget the horribly awkward moment. I'll survive it. I've had enough awkward moments on the phone from my puberty days to last me a lifetime.

Me and a friend are going to present a forum on LGBT issues at the next Lutheran Volunteer Retreat. We have to, as she says, "convince them that gays are more than just OK - we need to convince them that there's a reason they should get off their ass and do something." I think it's a growing trend. "Yes, I'm fine with gays, I have some gay friends, but why do you have to keep harping on about it?" Well, unfortunately, we have to in the same way the civil rights people of the 60s had to - 'tolerating' people and 'giving them rights' (as if we are much higher than them, and we should be all benevolent and reach down and pick them up to our level) is much different than standing beside them, in solidarity.

It didn't hit me until the already mentioned moment of phone awkwardness. I, as a straight male, am oppressed by what happens to LGBT people. Yes, I can say I am comfortable in my heterosexuality, but what if I had been taught my whole life that liking a girl was wrong? Everytime I looked at a girl and thought sexual thoughts, I would immediately be slapped by a socially-premeditated guilt. "Shit," I'd say to myself. "I need to get on the ball and find a guy for me."

Turn some of the questions routinely asked to LGBT folk on yourself (if you're straight) to get my drift.

"When did you decide you were straight?"
"Do you think you just haven't found the right [same sex] person yet?"
"Do you think your heterosexuality is derived from an unfounded fear of people of the same sex?"
"What exactly do men and women do??"

Yeah, okay, so I work for an LGBT organization. I get it, I'm just focusing on it because I work with the issue 40 hrs/week. But, still. I mean, c'mon.

Just as racism affects white people just as much as people of color, so does heterosexism (OH GOD!! WATCH OUT PC-POLICE!) oppress people who are heterosexual. We never have to defend our sexual views or partners or ethics. If a man beats a woman - exerts his dominance in a sickening male way - then it's not acceptable by any means, but it is what it is. Certainly it isn't typical of all male-female relationships.

But, man oh man, if you're gay, you could be the most amazing couple ever, routinely getting calls from Nelson Mandela, volunteering everywhere, active in the church and the community, but, c'mon, you can't raise a child. I mean, what would they learn from you? How to be a beautiful member of society and child of God? Hell no. They'd learn how to be gay, and dear sweet Jesus, you might as well tattoo a big "G" on your forehead and move to Antarctica.

Okay, is it a Jason rant again? Yes. But, I just get so ANGRY at how things are, that I just want to explode and take a bat to fine china sometimes. I mean, it's not just the oppressed that should have rage. The oppressor should be downright livid. They didn't ask for this, but it's been smacked on them anyways.

Like pineapples on a cheese pizza, it's just not right.