not for the kiddies

I was asked to contribute to a random collection of poems, stories, and whatnot about a given topic. The topic in question? You guessed it (or maybe you didn't):

Masturbation.

Here's my humble entry:

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Masturbation. The physicality of the word itself strikes fear in the heart of sensitive people everywhere.

Masturbation. A guaranteed way to end an otherwise pleasant conversation; elicit embarrassed looks and raised eyebrows; and command the attention of all in the room, regardless of the level of their professed interest in the subject.

Masturbation. The TRUE significant other?

Perhaps no other act requires so many diverse euphemisms to describe it. If you're not sayin' hello to my one-eyed monster, then you might very well be engaged in double-clicking the mouse or exploring the cavernous depths of your ninja boot. You can whack, smack, or flock it; beat, kick, or stroke it; you can surmise the vastness that IS your hairy clam; or you can tongue-bathe the Willy Wonka. Whatever you prefer (or, more appropriately, whatever equipment you happen to possess). But you certainly do not masturbate.

Masturbation. The most versatile and self-contained act one can do. The ultimate biological equalizer: Do you feel like taking a quick power nap? How about an effective wake-up-call - stronger than coffee - in order to tackle the world's problems? Just want to totally and completely crash? Whatever your pleasure (pun intended?), whackin' it is for you.

Some shy away from the discussion of this activity; others proclaim it from the rooftops. Some, this author included, feel like it would be impossible to function without it. Others fiercely disagree. Love it or hate it, masturbation is like the deceased animal on the side of the road: Act grossed out all you want - you're still drawn to it in some inexplicable way.

The visceral nature of this "hush-hush" pasttime can't prevent this humble narrator from becoming aroused simply by writing about it.

Now, if you'll excuse said author, it's time for a nap. A power nap. :)